Postpartum Depression
It’s important that you understand not everything you read or hear is pertaining to you in an immediate moment. The Holy Spirit loves to build a weaponry and a storehouse. Wisdom is meant to be heard and applied or stored away for the appointed time. I pray this imparts understanding in to you through testimony and fellowship. Praise God for His living Word that brings all things into completion. If the Lord has not been speaking to you about this already, take the wisdom and knowledge as a form of learning the ways of the Lord that you might choose to walk in them. If this is for you it should serve as confirmation and give you understanding. Glory be to God!
This word has been in my belly for a while but it’s one of those ones I wish I hadn’t experienced. It’s one of those things that I’ve been qualified to speak on but wish I hadn’t ever known it. I don’t feel ashamed but in my human understanding I never thought it was something worth talking about. Two things I know, though, if I am being called to write about it, He is releasing me from it fully and there’s someone out there, even if only one of you, that needs this right now and you alone are worth it. Yes, I’m talking to you.
Before we get deep into it— I know what the title says. This post is not just about child bearing. While this is for the mothers, it is also for the wives, the mentors, the teachers, the business owners, intercessors, key-holders, anyone who has gone through the carrying and birthing of anything on this earth from the kingdom of God especially the delivered. Anyone who has walked through a deliverance of their own. This is for you. If you need more understanding of what that means I’d love to go deeper but for today I am going to stay where I have been called. Hello, Leah.
I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 19 years old. I grew up in and out of church, had knowledge without understanding, and lacked an intimate relationship with Jesus. I remember when I found out I was pregnant I had been casually partying, smoking cigarettes and I had a whole drawer filled with marijuana paraphernalia. This isn’t going to make me look good but the day I got my positive test I smoked one last cigarette, threw the pack away and it was easy to stay sober for the remainder of the time. I didn’t even crave anything toxic. I understood that I was all she had and I cared about her health more than mine. Through gestation it was easy to make sacrifices because I understood what my body was doing. I told myself that I would never go back to my old ways. In my mind it was a no brainer. Then she came.
For three months I stayed sober, nothing from my past came in. It was easy. Until it wasn’t. Some of my friends from before I was pregnant had started coming back around, while I was pregnant they weren’t there but the minute I wasn’t they somehow reappeared. I bummed a couple cigs to manage stress. A drink or two never hurt anybody and suddenly everything that was “legal” in the world wasn’t so bad. If it was sold in stores why shouldn’t I take part in it. Started to have huge issues with my mind and eventually went to the doctor. They diagnosed me with postpartum depression, gave me some medication and sent me on my way. Halloween came around, we had a party. I hung out with old friends, came into contact with people, places and things that triggered trauma and I was pushed into a fight or flight mode that was searching for comfort and familiarity. It was a complete identity crisis. Once that baby was outside of my body I had to make a different kind of choice and I failed to understand what that lifestyle was supposed to be like. It wasn’t as simple as taking care of my body because it was her only source of nourishment. I could compromise after because what was going in my body didn’t directly affect her. I understood that I was cultivating life while she was in my body but outside of me I had no revelation of the change in my identity. My life had essentially fallen apart. It felt like I lost my whole personality. I still separately identified as who I had always known myself to be just with a little bit more responsibility. The baby, in my mind, was a completion of sorts. I had a lack mindset. I wasn’t whole before and when she was here, I still wasn’t whole. I was broken, with more.
Having a child and becoming a mother are two different things that happen in two different processes that are going on simultaneously. You get pregnant, carry a child and birth it but there’s a transformation happening in your identity the entire time and most people, due to lack of knowledge, abandon themselves in the midst of it all. So by the time the baby gets here you have all of the memories of pregnancy focused solely on creating new life outside of yourself but there’s something deeper, and arguably more intimate in recognizing that through the birth of another, a new version of you is being born as well. We abandon ourselves when motherhood becomes our entire identity and we abandon our kids when we reject bonding and growing properly in to motherhood because we fall back into old familiar ways when tempted and tried. We’re still daughters too. We still have to grow through things. It can be compared to Lots wife, looking back at what broke down and becoming a pillar of salt. The old life was destroyed like Sodom and Gomorrah but once you reach that threshold fully leaving the old to walk into the new there’s this human desire to look back at who you used to be. When that child didn’t complete you the way you thought it would you begin trying to reach back into old comforts to find yourself again when your old self was never meant to come with you into the new. You were meant to nurture the new version of yourself into maturity but self care got clouded with fear and self preservation . Worth became questionable and suddenly “I don’t even know if I’m cut out for this. I don’t know what I’m doing, maybe it would all just be better if I wasn’t here at all. I can’t see where I belong. Maybe it’s time to give up.” STOP. WAIT.
All of this only ever got as far as it did because I did not know Gods ways. She was a layer of deliverance for me. I was delivered through that process. I didn’t know it but it was true. “As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly” (Proverbs 26:11). I was foolish. I went back to habits, places, mindsets, and fears that were meant to die with the old version of myself. I had kept my past on life support for far too long. Eventually by the grace of God, I pulled the plug but not before I caused a bit of chaos in the world around me. If you were ever connected to me while I was double minded, I am sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing but trust me, justice has been served. The Lord doesn’t play favorites and I sure did reap what I had sown. From here on out this post is going to require spiritual ears to grasp depth. While my story is a piece, it is not all of the pieces so I pray this helps you critically think, grow in understanding and develop ears that can hear things beyond what is spoken. We’re about to take the meat and leave the bones. I hope I don’t lose you.
When God places something inside of you, a promise, a prophecy, a business, a child , a marriage or even a spiritual assignment, He is not placing it inside of you so that you can abandon yourself to bring it into this world. He wants to teach you about the version of yourself that is being born. He wants to prepare your heart and mind for what will be— through deep, intimate relationship with Him. Most of us hide in the shadows of surface-level. Deliverance is like shedding skins. Every layer that’s removed exposes a new sensitive layer that needs proper care. God is the one that wants to give you the oil to soothe you in that season but it doesn’t come without a crushing. When that layer sheds, and you don’t have oil, you will seek comfort for the pain. You will seek refuge. Without the proper covering, you will run back to the old things instead of explore the new. The things and people God sends will not feel familiar because you are not aligned with the old anymore. This is when you’re tested. In these moments you find out if you have a mind governed by the flesh, or if you’ve healed to have a mind governed by the Holy Spirit. Do you believe what He said only when it feels good? Or are easily swayed when wounded? His sheep will know His voice. You begin to love the rod and the staff.
The old you will feel rejected by the new life and the new you will feel rejected by the old. You will feel like you’re betraying all of the people you used to connect with when you leave your past behind, but choosing to go back is a betrayal to the one who gave His life. In both situations you experience an abandoning of self. Abandon your previous life or abandon the one that was paid for on the cross. The process was meant to prepare you but again, most of us forget about ourselves. Most of us are wounded. Most of us are seeking validation of man. If we produce that means we’re successful and if we’re successful that means we are worthy. Right?
That’s why I called you Leah. Well, you and I both. You see Leah was chosen by her father and given to a man that would rather work for the desires of his flesh than love her. She was traded as a custom. Following an order. She submitted to a covenant that aligned with her father’s will. In doing what she was supposed to do, she was neglected and rejected. “When God saw that Leah was neglected, He opened up her womb.” (Genesis 29:31). Every child Leah bore in an attempt to receive love from the man she was given to, she named after her different levels of rejetion. She identified with how people made her feel rather than the truth of what God was calling her. She couldn’t see that her womb being open was God choosing her. She was chosen. When He saw that she was neglected, He opened her womb. She birthed many children trying to earn the affections of a man. The cycle broke with her saying “This time I will praise the Lord.” And she named that one, Judah, who would carry on the bloodline of Jesus. She repeated cycles of going through transformation, birthing life and still calling herself who she was before. Each child removed a layer of rejection but still was born with a transactional mindset, if I have this child I will be loved. She never accepted the reality that she was being gifted and chosen by God. His love, for her, was not enough. The entire time her rejection blinded her from truth. She was always chosen, she was always worthy, she was always loved. She was chasing something in people, places and things that couldn’t fulfill her. Had she understood that the very ability to carry a child was a symbol of the love God had for her, maybe she wouldn’t have been stuck in longing for more. She could have stopped chasing validation and rested in truth. I believe Leah had postpartum depression. I also want to add that I don’t believe physical fertility is the marker of Gods love. It’s deeper than that.
All God was doing was trying to show her that she was loved. The things that were coming from her weren’t meant to satisfy her, she was longing to be accepted and valued and she was. He was giving her everything she wanted. She could not perceive the new thing that was her new identity. They were all gifts. Your business, marriage, education, achievements, the new job, children, ministries, homes, provision, vision, anything that was given to you by God is not what defines who you are, but a subcategory to what it means to be a child of God. You were given those things not to make yourself more worthy or fit into a box but instead to expand your identity through stretching, molding, laboring, and deliverance. You were meant to be nurtured into maturity in your new identity through the raising and bonding with whatever new thing you were given. It was always meant to be a mutual experience where the Lord breathed life into new things. You and whatever you created with Him. The “with Him” part is important, don’t miss that. Now Leah, she regressed. After the birth of Judah, she fell in to comparison and seeking validation from even the women around her. I wish we could rewrite her story but hers is written, what about yours though? Will you be like Leah who crossed the threshold at the birth of Judah but still looked back? Or Lots wife? We all know that story. Rejection has to be healed or that same spirit is going to come back with seven of its friends to get you stuck in a loop of chasing worldly satisfaction or validation of man. You have to know you are enough without being hell bent on proving it. That includes proving it to yourself. The way you feel can’t be your god.
The blessing that was formed through your process in the secret place requires a new version of you to become established and create space for fulfillment. Nothing outside of the God that created you can be the source of that fulfillment. His love is where it came from, what brought it through you and what will continue to nurture it into maturity. What comes from you can not be what you look to for validation nor can the reactions of others but instead it has to be the One that gave it all to you in the first place. The One that saw you toil. The One who chose you before you ever birthed anything at all. The beginning and the end, alpha and omega, lion and the lamb. That’s where the cycle ends. When you let go of the desire for man and fully rest in the presence of God. Free from lack. Trusting that there was no lie when He said “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all else will be brought to you”. (Matthew 6:33). Some people think you’ll get everything you want after you achieve something or reach some sort of pinnacle, but we were created to seek and receive. It doesn’t mean we aren’t meant to build but building isn’t meant to destroy your self worth or drain you. Becoming is meant to flow like a river. The process that comes with receiving the new things is meant to develop your character to keep you from rejecting the new or running back to the old. To prepare you for what’s ahead. You will no longer be moved by betrayal, rejection, humiliation, or false accusation when God is your witness and validation comes from Him and the trust you’ve built with Him. His character doesn’t change because other peoples opinions of you did.
Personally, I am Ariel, the Lord has blessed me to birth life while He continues to breathe life. We’ve created a beautiful, talented, gifted daughter, a divine business that produces kingdom fruit, an off grid community that has been a vessel helping other women birth their own ministries, businesses, and oil after dry seasons in life. He has built deeply rooted friendships and relationships in His order and I am grateful for every season I walked with each one whether still around or separated for purpose. Who I was when He called me was not the same person I am today but He loved me all the same. I am not yet who I will be but in this moment, I am. And so are you. So be. Exist and discover. Explore and renew. You will never be fully who you were always meant to be until you are —and in the mean time, you are becoming. Keep becoming. As you birth new things, because you will, remember where your identity lives. Abide there. In Him. Multiplication is not just your portion, it’s your destiny. It doesn’t make you special, it’s your birthright. Validation of man isn’t the prize, eternity is. In more ways than human understanding could comprehend, you will birth kingdom impact. Dig deep. Get rooted. Be nourished. Grow. Don’t skip the pruning and prevent yourself from a plentiful harvest because you refuse to let go of what you’re being called out of. Make room.
As always, glory be to God. I pray this lands in the hearts of the ones who need it. Holy Spirit have your way.
— Coach Ari
The LTASH Healing Center is now open for enrollment if you feel led. Take it back to the Lord in prayer. ALWAYS test the spirit by the Spirit.
A women’s only deep healing and spiritual core training program that highlights the importance of practicing biblically sound spiritual hygiene for christian women being called through sanctification and training in the prophetic realm.
Everything included in the LTASH Healing Center but with 1:1 personal coaching and mentorship with founder Ariel Franco throughout the year.
