Shine Bright, Sunflower.

This post is not for everyone. It’s important for you to take this back to the Lord and confirm with Him that this is for you. Not every word is meant to be applied to your life in the immediate moment. If you are receiving this in season it should not be the first time you are hearing about it. If the Lord has not been speaking to you about this already, take the wisdom and knowledge as a form of learning the ways of the Lord that you might choose to walk in them. If this is for you it should serve as confirmation and give you understanding. The testimony in this post belongs to me, it is my story but the Lord can use it to inspire others to seek deeper into theirs. Glory be to God!

One last weed. That’s what He told me. He told me there would come a time where there would be one last weed to be uprooted before freedom. Not freedom from Egypt, that came through deliverance, but freedom from the enemies that were in the Jordan. The ones that tried to intimidate me into turning back. The ones that were banking on my “lack of knowledge”. They had hoped I would have stopped building, learning and growing. They were holding on to the very last thing that the enemy planted while I was sleeping, hoping he could use it to try to accuse. The word of God says “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” Meaning there will come a time when things are meant to be added to you, but not before you properly seek out the presence of God and what is right and just in His eyes. I knew the time would come when it was time. That sentence sounds wild but like that, and for the rest of this post— let those with ears to hear, hear.

Some of you have been here from the start. Others may have just gotten here. If you don’t know enough to discern the validity of which spirit I move by, you can go back; if you want to. You can go back to the beginning of this blog and read how I ended up here. I may have shared some of my story, the places I have been, the couches that I slept on and the way God has pulled me out of sin, into healing and built me from the ashes. You might read about the girl who always felt taken care of, and somehow scraped by in the face of adversity by the grace of God. It’s true. That was who I was, none of it was a lie. I was the one who never had nothing even when she had nothing. Surviving. Do you think the sunflower knows about the stars?

I know what you’re thinking, in your mind you’re picturing a flower at night, under the dark sky looking up at the sparkling lights, in awe. That’s the image the human mind would create. It makes sense that way. That’s not what I mean though. I walked out into my backyard to see the first sunflower that has ever bloomed in my garden and when I looked closer I hear, “Do you think the sunflower knows about the stars?” This was my first year trying to grow anything from seed. It’s been a journey to say the least. I’ve learned things and grown deeper in my relationship with the Lord every step of the way. He really opened up my eyes in ways I didn’t even think possible through this last cycle of the seasons. I wrote an entire book about it thats centered around allowing Gods Word to plant seeds in you for a fruitful harvest and the condition your mind and soul have to be in to see those seeds grow and establish in a Kingdom we can’t see, with a return that aligns with the promises of God according to His will. It was profound and yet so simple I couldn’t understand how I didn’t always know. That’s who He is though, a revealer of things we couldn’t see without Him. It’s why no matter how hard you try, you can’t make people see you or hear you when you’re covered by and filled with His Spirit. When you belong to Him, Kingdom keys are required.

You see, a seed starts so small and after it’s planted and nurtured it grows and blooms or bares fruit and then it’s life becomes less of a burden to establish and give life to and more of something to maintain, an honor to witness, a success that brings joy, it just— all at once, makes sense. None of it makes sense until it does and you can’t make sense of it on your own. I mean you can observe the cycle and put words behind the process like humans do but it still can’t be explained in its fullness. God knew what each seed would become before it became. He picked the colors of the petals and the size of the stems. He had it all planned out and throughout the entire process, the thing that was becoming was dependent on Him for survival. It bloomed, it made it. Some seeds never root deep and shoot up into a flower. This one did. Do you think it knows about its stars? When you look at the center of the sunflower there are tiny little perfect star-shaped structures. These little florets bloom within the center of the flower in a spiral pattern outward from the center to create a starburst look. Each of these little stars produce nectar and pollen to attract the bees to fertilize the flower so it can produce seeds of its own. When they are pollinated, each of the florets turn into a seed. So the stars are actually going to turn in to new seeds, with the ability to produce more. The spiral pattern is intentional, the little stars bloom in an order that creates the most space and sunlight exposure to give it the best opportunity for the maximum production. The flower is blooming, but at the same time these little stars are in preparation to produce life. Imagine the flower never knew about the stars. I mean what do you think it feels, bloomed, beautiful? Does it know it was made for more than just to survive a cycle of the seasons. Does it know it was made to multiply?

That was it. The weed. Something in me, because of the things I have experienced in my life, came into agreement with getting enough to survive and that being it. That was my personal survival mode. I had adopted a complacency through the circumstances I had no control over that had to go. So here is going to be the place I am going to renounce what God revealed to me as an altar I had. It was an altar because I had dedicated a huge portion of my life to it. Walked in a way that worshipped it. It was an idol I hadn’t known existed. I was in agreement with receiving just enough to survive. I had declared it as Gods will. So here I am, taking it all back. It was not Gods will for me to get kicked out of my house on my 18th birthday, that was at the fault of a combination of generational rebellion, poor communication skills that were developed through a bloodline of women who didn’t know Jesus, and my own refusal to obey very small, but legit rules. In my moms anger for my behavior, she kicked me out. Instead of seeking reconciliation or confessing I had done something wrong, I took my trash bags and bounced from family member, to friends couches and in my pride I accepted what I had called “fate”. I thought because I survived, I was being taken care of by God in a way that was “favor” but I was actually in agreement with a counterfeit version of favor. He was being Him, taking care of a sparrow like He does. I was being me, accepting the treatment of a sparrow, instead of knowing I was loved MORE.

It wasn’t Gods favor that kept me safe it was His mercy. That was never the portion He ordained for me, it was the grace I didn’t deserve for the way I had rebelled. It wasn’t His will for me to get dropped off that bank account at 23 years old because it was never His will for me to be on it in the first place. I was never meant to rely on man as a provider, He always wanted to be Jehovah Jireh and provide me with protection and provision through His will. It was never His will for me to go 20 thousand dollars in debt because I didn’t know His character nor did I know that He calls us to be the lender not the borrower. I was not a victim. Neither of the times my life was stripped was due to God wanting me to be out in the world to learn things. It was all in His mercy because my lack of knowledge and misunderstanding of His character was an act of rebellion. He was breaking down lives that I built without Him.. Sure, He turned it for my good but MANY of the things I endured, were because of my lack of obedience to my parents, bloodline curses, generational idols and absolute rebellion. I’m not excusing the financial abandonment and poor decision making of the other parties involved, they didn’t know Him either, no sin is worse than the other but I did not live a life that I can look back on and honestly say was right or without fault. The open doors were there. Legal rights were given. I was outside of Gods will and so were all of us. My pride kept me in a delusion that had led me to carry a weed with me. I came in to agreement with bare minimum masquerading it as Gods favor. As if in my rebellion I was being trained, no in my rebellion I was being rebellious. I was chosen, yes. However, not everything I chose to go through by my own free will due to lack of knowledge and pure stupidity was God’s perfect will. I was chosen and trained through faithful obedience to the Lord by the Holy Spirit nearly a decade later in life and by His grace altars were dismantled and the consequences of my actions were taken on the cross. He gave me every opportunity to come into His presence when I was young but I had this idea that I knew it all even when I knew nothing at all. I moved by my wounds, made decisions by my brokenness and accepted the love I thought I deserved. Jesus died for me. Because of me. That’s the truth and another truth is that coming out of agreement with survival mode and counterfeit favor is another step in the direction of the promises that I also don’t deserve. My heart never believed that I was going to receive more because it had always been in agreement with the fact that bare minimum was favor. My pride, the last weed, the last idol— it wasn’t some entity, it wasn’t money, it was me. It was the version of myself that I created in my head in order to excuse my behavior. It was the piece of me that “forgave” everyone involved except myself, because I didn’t know. When I was in it, I didn’t know. For my rebellion, I was forgiven and He blotted it out but my agreement with the illusion I subconsciously created to keep myself safe had to be broken in order to step in to truth. In His compassion, He revealed it to me gently and broke it down in ways that never condemned me.

He started to open my eyes to this truth and as it was unveiling I had to sit back and ask Him again, “Are you sure?” I wondered why He never revealed to me this part of me earlier and I understand now many times, people tried to tell me it was me. Every time I would crash out. It would actually send me into a combative state where my mind would try to protect itself, I would push everyone away and isolate myself so I wouldn’t have to face the weight of the trauma when having to admit that my behavior and my decisions caused a lot of pain to a lot of people. To have to take responsibility before I was emotionally and mentally mature enough to do so, it sent me in to a spiral. Then He gave me this vision. There was a family, dark in spirit, sitting in a fried chicken restaurant. In the spiritual realm fried food is not good for you it would represent a family seated at a table of demons. Anyway, the family was sitting at the table and the young girl ordered the hottest type of chicken. Her family warned her, even the servers warned her, but she said she could handle it. Everyone gets served their portion and each of the family members are sitting there enjoying their fried chicken but the younger girls mouth is on fire. Her family was right. None of them were righteous but her portion was hotter. She was seated at the table she had no choice at the time. Her family led her to that restaurant but she ordered her own portion. She didn’t want to admit that they were right and so she dunked it in some ranch to cool it down. — I was that girl. When I was 17 years old, I went and got my lip pierced and my mom was livid. I saw how mad she was. The next day I went and got another piercing. I was never home I was always staying at my friends houses; I would go and be a rebel. I got in so many fights I can’t even count them. She kicked me out on my 18th birthday and while that also wasn’t the righteous way of dealing with things, my portion was exactly what I ordered. I can dip it in ranch all I want but it doesn’t make it less of what it is.

Every moment that happened in between then and the time that Jesus came and got me, was a result of my rebellion. Any other version of the story is a lie. I was loved the whole time, God never left me or abandoned me but my agreement with the care He provides to His children that are outside of His will being His favor was something I could only ever break if I was able to handle the truth. I had to receive the truth for the cycle to really be broken. It was never going to end with me if I was building my story on a lie. My “testimony” being about how it was Gods will for my mom and I to fight and me to leave as if God wanted me to be in that position is simply untrue. I could have went back. I could have admitted my mom was right I shouldn’t have pierced my lip, I shouldn’t have been running around with other teenagers going out and doing things in the night. I shouldn’t have been. I was served the portion I ordered and I tried to cover it up by making it seem less than what it was. It was pride. A lot of us live that way. Watering down the truth of our rebellion. Staying at the table of demons by staying in agreement with a lie. It’s like making it through the wilderness but never getting across the Jordan. So I glorified my survival. I idolized the way I “survived” that part of life. As if I was handed something I didn’t ask for and forced to make a way through. No, that wasn’t true. I got exactly what I ordered and when it turned out to be the very thing I was warned about, I did everything I could to make it seem better than it was.

I was the sunflower. I didn’t know about the stars. I thought I would be watered and given just enough to be seen as beautiful, to bloom, but there was more. It was always there from the time I was in seed form. I was always meant to produce seeds that would then become other flowers in the garden. I was content with just making it through a cycle of the seasons without dying, but that wasn’t the fullness of what was capable through me if I had just allowed myself to know my Creator more deeply. I was a seed. What I came from, was exactly what was going to come from me. If I was agreement with allowing rebellion then rebellion is what I would be met with. If I was in agreement with survival then survival is what I’d get. The same God that built me wants to move through me, to plant seeds in the Kingdom. The seed that took root and grew in my own fertile mind, was meant to grow into something that would not only bear fruit but impart unto others the opportunity to grow close to Him too. How selfish of me, to just want to survive. How selfish it is to be in agreement with bare minimum. What Kingdom would I serve if the root was connected to a lie?

So why now? Why come out now and confess this so publicly? Why not just let it be? Well, my whole life I have been a writer, there were many blogs before this. I’ve always had a platform, and God refined those too. I was loud in my rebellion. Respectfully, I am not concerned with how I made anybody else feel or look— I was misrepresenting God. I flaunted all of my counterfeit favor while my eyes were closed. I boasted about being “highly favored” by the world and my ego. Granted, this is all revelation of truths that were misunderstood DECADES ago, I still refuse to let any part of me sit at that table of demons. Not even a remnant that can slip through the cracks of refusal to confess. 1 Corinthians 10:2 says “You cannot drink from the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons.”; So here is my official choice to give back the cup of demons. I don’t agree with that narrative any more. I don’t agree with who I was when I was scared to be who I am. I don’t make excuses for my behavior. I truly, and honestly sit in gratitude for the grace and mercy that I received that delivered me from that place and brought me into a life I never deserved. Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior not only from what this world had to offer but what it tried to turn me into. Accountability is great and all, until it’s your turn to take it. I couldn’t do it without the boldness He gave me.

This revelation gave me a deeper understanding of this Bible study and so I am going to leave it here with you. This is what He revealed to me, now that I am mature enough to hear it clearly. This is not for everyone and it isn’t meant to be attached to I am simply sharing what my experience is and I pray the Lord imparts whatever piece of this story that will serve His Kingdom deep into your heart to inspire you to seek.

Matthew 6:24-34, Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 10:26-31, So do not be afraid of them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.  Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.

I read this over and over and I thought I understood. There were times in these last few years that I would fall into cycles of having nothing and then it felt like what I needed would appear. I would see a sparrow and God would remind me He hadn’t forgotten about me and not to worry but in that same thought I would start looking for the puddle. That will make more sense if you’ve read my previous post “Dismantle Me” but regardless— When God was trying to tell me that He loved me more than the sparrows, I would receive it as if I was equal to it. I was seeing a sparrow and identifying with the way the Lord cares for it and how little it’s worth. In my traumas and my misunderstandings I came in to agreement with being a bird that hops from place to place and gets fed and watered by God for survival in the wild never having a constant source of nourishment that would sustain and last. I identified as the person who would always get taken care of by other people’s families and maybe I wouldn’t have generational wealth but I would make it through life just fine. That’s not true. We reap, we sow, we store away. I hadn’t even realized that every time I was seeing that sparrow while I was walking faithfully obedient in the steps that the Lord had laid out to me, He wasn’t promising me enough to survive, He was promising me more. He was telling me about the stars that were always meant to grow within the sunflower. Don’t you see how good He is? Despite my rebellion. Despite all the debris that came with the fire He walked with me through. This is the beauty from ashes. You aren’t meant to worry about tomorrow but your faith, make it big. You aren’t the sparrow. Don’t believe for just enough. Stay. Obey. Endure. Confess. Know this, it might take a cycle of the seasons to see the fruit, but God’s plan for you isn’t just to make it by, it’s to build something beautiful on a foundation of Christ that covers up the entirety of the hole you dug for yourself. If I was unable to confess the truth of my rebellion, I would never have been able to acknowledge the fullness of what Jesus did for me. I wouldn’t have been able to speak what was revealed in the dark among others, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to be qualified through Christ for my inheritance. Do you get it? Know that He will take care of you through the process but let your faith rest in knowing you are not the bird or the flower, you are the MORE. Seek the truth in your story, even if it means there’s parts of you that don’t look good. You in your weakness, in your ignorance, in your rebellion— that’s where Jesus found you. That’s where you were when He called you. Don’t try to dip it in ranch. To avoid truth about what He did for you is to deny Him before others, don’t set yourself up to be denied before our Father in heaven. Find the truth. It’s in truth you’re going to shine the brightest. Shine bright, sunflower. I love you guys.

The Ebook “The Fertile Mind” is now available in the shop under “The Holy Helpmate” Collection for anyone seeking to gain deeper wisdom, knowledge and understanding of the cycles of the seasons, faithful obedience, the condition of your soil, time management, wisdom in matters of productivity and the life cycle of a seed. I am grateful to have been given the privilege and honor of teaching and creating a prayer plan for others who are coming out of agreement with bare minimum and seeking to access heavenly strategy and divine alignment. Build wisely. Glory be to God.